You have a difficult time setting boundaries and standards for yourself, don’t you? You’ve got no problem telling a friend or a loved one that they deserve better in their relationships, so why is it so hard for you to tell yourself the same thing?
This is one of the biggest challenges that my clients face, they have a hard time drawing a line in the same and saying: “Sorry, I will no longer accept this kind of treatment.”
I believe, though, there’s an unseen layer to the problem as well: Simply not even knowing what healthy love looks like.
It’s not your fault if you didn’t have healthy or stable love modeled to you growing up, nor is it your fault if society has let you down by giving you unfair or unrealistic expectations about love — let alone actively showing unhealthy examples.
That’s what this article is for, to help clearly define treatment that you should not be accepting in your relationships.
There are too many people out there who are willing and able to be healthy, stable, and loving partners for you to be giving your time to people who engage in the behaviors we’ll discuss below.
1: They make you “prove” your value to them.
If you struggle with feeling a true sense of self-love, it’s natural that you seek external validation from others in order to feel good about yourself. This is becoming a more prevalent reality for many, due to the pressures of social media and an image-focused society.
There are people who will recognize this quality in you and take advantage of it.
They’ll sense that you require (or at least, think you require) external validation, and use it as a leverage point to get your attention. They’ll give you a little something to draw you in and make you feel good, but keep it at an arm’s length so you need to keep “earning” it, like dangling a carrot in front of a horse.
The thing that makes this even more difficult is that it takes confident and self-worth to walk away from this kind of treatment, but the lack of such is exactly what’s perpetuating the treatment in the first place.
So, for many, the cycle continues.
The universal truth is this: You are valuable and worthy of love just as you are today. Your ‘worth’ is not dictated by your appearance, or your income level, or job title, or education, or orientation, or background…you are a human being and therefore worthy of love, happiness, and respect.
A person who truly cares about you will recognize and appreciate this value — they’ll never make you feel like you need to “prove” it to them.
If they can’t recognize it on their own, or use it against you, then they don’t deserve your emotional investment.
2: They gaslight you.
You’ve heard the phrase, but aren’t really sure what it means.
“Gaslighting.”
gas·light
/ˈɡasˌlīt/
verb
gerund or present participle: gaslighting
manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning.
Gaslighting occurs when someone does something toxic or abusive, but then denies that it happened — making you feel like it was all in your head, or that they’re actually innocent.
They mold and shape reality in their own ways to make you question yourself, doubt what you’re seeing or feeling, and somehow avoid all responsibility for their own actions.
The key here is to recognize this behavior the moment it begins and understand that it doesn’t get better over time — only more severe. If they see that they can get away with it, they’ll only continue the same patterns, and likely become more serious over time as the lies and deceit grow larger. The further down this path you go, the more difficult it becomes to turn off of it.
Trust yourself, dear reader. If you know you saw, heard, or felt something — but someone else is telling you otherwise — it is their perspective you should be doubting, not your own.
3: They avoid important conversations.
Strong and healthy relationships require two people to come together and merge their lives into one. This means, at times, having awkward, difficult, or serious conversations that can test the strength of the bond two people have formed.
That bond, though, can also be strengthened by these conversations if we can communicate in healthy and productive ways.
This is how we plan out our futures together.
It’s how we learn about each other.
It’s how we discover where we’re compatible, and where we’re not.
It’s how we solve — and avoid — problems.
People who completely avoid important conversations are not showing you that they’re serious about building a life with you.
They’re showing you that they’re in this for fun, they’re on board for the easy stuff, but they’re not willing nor capable to handle the difficult stuff.
The reality of life itself is that the difficult stuff comes with the territory. We need to know where we’re going with someone in order to be fully committed to getting there.
If they can’t give you the respect and substance needed to talk about things that really matter, it’s a clear sign you can’t trust them to be there when it really matters, either.
4: They take jabs at your insecurities.
A big part of being in a relationship is revealing your true self to another person — which sounds obvious, but we all know it isn’t that simple.
This is a difficult task that takes an immense amount of mutual trust and respect.
Trust that must be earned, and then must be maintained.
That trust provides the safety that we can reveal these things to the person we care about, and they’ll hold them close — never use them against us.
If your partner knows something bothers you, irks you, or makes you feel badly about yourself — there is never any excuse to use it against you. It should never be brought up in an argument, never weaponized, never used to control you or keep you in line.
What they’re actually trying to do is decrease your level of confidence so you don’t feel like you can do any better than them (…you can) and stick around because you don’t think anyone else would want you (…they would).
It’s a control tactic, and should never be tolerated.
5: They make you feel alone in the relationship.
A relationship is a partnership. A team. A pledge to be by each other’s side through the good and the bad.
You should never feel as though you’re navigating life alone, nor that you’re facing problems or challenges without your partner’s support.
I believe this is why we must be in a stable and healthy emotional place in life before we commit to another person — because we share in the pains of another, and help to carry their burdens. This is the essence of a commitment on this level.
If you feel like you have a “fair weather” partner who is only there when things are good, you need to be honest with yourself about how capable they really are of being by your side in life and in love.
Being with the wrong person will make you feel even more alone than staying single ever would.
6: They bump you down their list of priorities.
Listen, I get it — life is busy. We all have work, obligations, bills, chores, whatever.
Choosing to enter into a relationship, though, is a conscious and intentional decision that comes with a certain set of expectations and parameters.
Not the least of which is prioritizing your partner. That’s the entire point — to accept someone into your life as a primary and important part of it, and take your place in their life on the same level.
Don’t get me wrong, we all need to focus on our own stuff every once in awhile. That project at work is time consuming, your staff is driving you crazy, your kids are demanding your attention…
That’s all part of life, and we need to be understanding during those occasions.
If, however, you feel as though you’re just not important to someone, or they’re always making you feel like an afterthought…then odds are your heart and your mind are telling you something you need to listen to.
7: They disrespect you or your boundaries.
I’ve put these two together because your boundaries are a reflection of you as a person. They are the parameters you set for the treatment you will and won’t accept from other people (and also, from yourself).
They define what’s important to you, what your values are, and what you believe you deserve.
Disrespect of you, your opinions, beliefs, or boundaries should never be tolerated.
Let’s make an important distinction:
There is disrespect, and there is a mistake.
A mistake can occur when someone is unaware of a boundary, or doesn’t fully understand what is expected of them.
They mess up, do something that bothers you, but when informed — change their actions and do better next time.
If, however, they are aware of what they’ve done and do it again, or if you’ve expressed your boundaries to them and they still cross the line, that is a conscious decision and therefore blatant disrespect.
Remember: These boundaries are mental, emotional, and physical — and permanent. No matter how long you’ve been with someone, they have no right to encroach on your autonomy or personal space of any kind without your explicit consent.
8: They discourage you.
What are your hopes, dreams, ambitions, goals?
Do you want to start a new business? Get your art degree? Open a yoga studio? Be a stay at home parent?
We all have our own ambitions, and those ambitions are more likely to become reality if we are with a supportive and equally ambitious partner.
People who are happy with their own life and confident in themselves work to lift you up, never drag you down.
Someone who discourages you from getting what you want in this life is going to be a permanent anchor weighing you down.
Every time you express a new idea or get excited about something you’re working on, they’ll bring you “back to reality” or tell you to “play it safe,” immediately deflating your balloon of excitement.
Now — don’t get me wrong — I believe being honest with each other and staying grounded is important. I’m not saying someone should support a harmful, dangerous, or otherwise “silly” venture — but you are smart enough to know what you’re capable of, and deserve to be with someone who is your biggest cheerleader along the journey.
(While you are for them in return, of course).
9: They cheat.
“James, everyone makes mistakes.”
No. I am understanding, flexible, empathetic, and caring…but I have no tolerance whatsoever for cheating in a relationship.
When you enter into a monogamous relationship, you are making the simplest promise there is — giving your emotional and physical loyalty to one person for the duration of the relationship.
Cheating doesn’t just happen, and it’s not just a mistake. It requires an entire process to take place that can be stopped at any time along the way.
“Sorry, I’m with someone” is the simplest thing you can say.
“Thanks for the compliment, but I’m taken.”
“The hotel gym is down the hall to the left, have a nice night.”
There is no excuse nor reason to engage with someone in an intimate capacity when you’re in a relationship — that goes for emotional, physical, or otherwise.
Cheating takes many forms, but the simplest way to think about it is: If you wouldn’t do it in front of your partner, don’t do it behind their back.
10: Abuse.
If ANYONE EVER abuses you in ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM — walk (run) away immediately. Find help. Call someone. Do not go back.
Abuse is not a “one time thing” and it doesn’t “get better” as the days, weeks, months, or years go by.
If someone abuses you once, they’ll do it again — maybe even worse next time.
It doesn’t matter if it’s mental, physical, or emotional abuse…
All forms of abuse are still abuse, and none of them should ever be tolerated.
You deserve better than these behaviors, and the longer you tolerate them, the less time you’ll have to get back out into the world and find someone who truly deserves you.
You only get one life, and if you choose to share it with someone, make sure they cherish and value it as much as their own.
